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‘Hello Cerge’ And The Boob Job News Leak

July 8, 2009


It’s turning into a story with a life longer than the normal news cycle – the initially leaked, denied, and later confirmed story that’s now being probed by the top civilian crime investigation agency , the National Bureau of Investigation.

The NBI says it’s not Malacanang that mandated the probe but the Asian Medical Center whose management is apparently disturbed about the  violation of the principle of doctor-patient confidentially.

No matter that Malacanang has made a clean breast of things about the presidential boob job as the controversy is now called.

Sadly, with the issue having been mishandled from the outset, PGMA has become the butt of jokes instead of the public being sympathetic, and prayerful about the true state of her health.

The latest bemused parody of the controversy comes from veteran opinion writer Manuel Buencamino who has constructed a ‘Hello Cerge’ transcript in the same genre as ‘Hello Garci’.

Here’s  MB’s imaginary transcript of a ‘Hello Cerge’ episode:

Hello Cerge? I just read a news item that said I checked into Asian Hospital for mammoplastic repair of leaking breast implants done in the ’80s, have you read it yet?”
“Yes, ma’am. I took care of it already.”
“Ahm… good. What did you tell the press?”
“Ma’am? I told them, res ipsa loquitur. Just look if the President had a breast implant. It’s obvious if women have breast implants. The sexy actresses with big boobs, they’re the ones who have breast implants. We can’t say the same thing of the President.”
“You told them res ipsa loquitor?”
“Yes ma’am, I said the things speak for themselves. It’s obvious you don’t have implants.”
“I also said, si Presidente ba mukha na iyong tipo ng babae na magpapaganun (Is the President the type of woman who would do that [get a boob job])?”
“You told them what!?!”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Why, what type of woman gets a boob job?”
“I asked you what you thought of a woman with a boob job!“
“Ma’am? You want me to spell it out for you?”
“Yes, spell it out! I got implants twenty years ago and I want to know what type of woman you think I am!”
“Hello…hello…haller…Cerge, are you still there?”
“Yes ma’am, I’m still here. Sori poh…”
“Forget it. Let’s move on. What do I tell the press when they ask me about my side-trip to Cartagena ?”
“I took care of that already, ma’am.”
“You took care of it already, again?”
“Yes, poh. While we were still in South America I told the press it’s not actually a side-trip, it’s more like a stopover. Brazil is so far away non-stop flight was not possible so we stopped-over in Cartegena and spent the weekend there.”
“Don’t you realize people can figure out the range of our chartered Airbus?”
“Why didn’t you just tell them I was not expected in Brazil until Monday so I dropped in on the Filipino community in Cartagena ?”
“Yes, I know.”
“Ma’am, the people might wonder why we didn’t just spend the weekend in San Franciso, to touch base with the larger Filipino community there.”
“Why didn’t we do that?”
“Ma’am? Some people in your party expressed apprehension about the welcome awaiting them if they enter the US .”
“Uhm…I forgot about that. Ask Ambassador Willy to check on that. Anyway, did the press ask you about our flight from Rio to Hong Kong ?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Good. But if they do, don’t claim the flight from Rio to Hong Kong is shorter than the flight from San Francisco to Recife so we were able to fly non-stop.”
“No. ma’am, I won’t say that. If they ask, I’ll just tell them we re-fuelled in mid-air.”
“How did you explain our stop-over in Hong Kong ?”
“I told them you were tired and in need of a pause that refreshes.”
“A pause that refreshes? That’s an old Coke slogan. What does Coke have to do with my stop-over in Hongkong?”
“Kasi poh you met with Robert Kuok of Shangri-la and Tony Kwok the anti-corruption consultant…(giggles)”
“You paused for two koks, get it?”
“Aaargh…somebody, anybody, please, just shoot me.”
“Ma’am? Hello…hello?”

But to be fair to Asian Hospital, the ethical transgression involved in the boob job leak  impacts on its ability to safeguard the medical records of its patients.

I wonder, however, if the NBI, with its operations funded by taxpayer money, is the proper conserver of a private hospital’s business credibility.

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